So a friend of mine sent me a link to a recorded radio show about "breaking up" i didn't save it cause i don't think i ever want to hear it again. “That’s the crazy thing about it is breaking with someone is literally the most common thing, every one you know broke up with everyone they ever dated, until maybe the person they are with right now. but when it happens to you it feels so specific. I don’t wanna say I can’t get over it but in a flipping way it’s like I can’t get over it, it’s like “what this is what’s happening” it’s so shocking”

Where are these girls and why can't i be best friends with them ? And one of the girls mentioned not wanting to move on because she doesn't want to let go of those insane feelings she's never felt before, even though they hold her back from being happy. What the fuck is going on and when will it stop?

"I’ve never met anyone like you. I’m just so fucked up. I don’t have a real job. And I’ve never had a boyfriend , never been in love, and it’s just a lot. It’s too much”

There are so many things I could have/ should have done differently, but I was a baby and didn't. I was a baby in many ways and have come such a long way to be where I am now.

Wrapping myself in a thick layer of ice once again, i'm gonna need a really, really good reason to let anyone in again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jGCOftbTIo

I will miss your heart so tender, and I will love this love forever.

What does it mean to exist? To use up all goodness in the world, to discover and eventually, declare, ones purpose and stay here. But in order to do all that, one must feed off motivation, inspiration, the feeling of wanting to keep moving forward each and every day, but what if it isn't about moving forward all of a sudden? What if there is some sort of obstacle, or human flesh and bone, in the way of this generic worldly routine, that you can't help but yield for? I'm sorry great power above me to have to break this cycle of yours. But some things are hard to leave behind. And I don't believe they should be, if both ends meet, why should they separate? Why should it be given up on? Maybe i've been having child-like thoughts and hopes for too many years, or maybe I just refuse to give in and give up. NO, I will not just give it up so easily over a stupid mistake of mine, this is something for stay, can't you see? What if it's about the want and need to go back and fix things, getting closer each time, until there is no more room for mistakes, or should i say, THERE WILL BE NO MISTAKES MADE, PERIOD.

Because we have ALL made some of those, and sometimes it takes more than once to really learn it the hard way, whether they were little mistakes, or mistakes that affect your life forever. Mistakes ARE made to be learned from, and yeah, they might, and probably will cause self- loathing, but that's the price of being at fault.

And it's feelings like this, looking out the window where there are endless possibilities to the possible amount of water falling down from space. What is space? I haven't thought of that one in a long time. And I remember when I was younger, and I'd go to the near by pool and I can't remember how big the pool was but i'd tie my hair up, take a deep breathe, and dive across the pool, from one side to the other, without going up once. And sometimes i'd go under and close my eyes and imagine all the things impossible, because I was under water, and I was holding my breathe, and what rules exist then? And I specifically remember once on vacation, the pools had clear windows at the bottom, and i'd go under and talk to the creatures behind the glass, and i'd come back up and be in this world, once again.

I don't blame you

I often wonder what the other world is like, does it exist? of course it does.

Whether it's a place where the ghost of one travels through brain cells to find serenity, and at last, rest in peace, or an earth like top cloud, but less real, or as some might believe, more real, not earthly at all, all the good on earth doesn't seem to last, and the only things one is left with are feelings, and some things last a long time.

But what's for one to do when the cake is eaten? It could never be replaced again.

It cannot be brought back in time to rethink harder upon decisions to be made, it cannot be re-created from scratch, it cannot be fixed.

And it's only normal to think of the quickest way to try to go back - throw it up, but it won't be the same, ever. And it's no one's fault but mine. And after having learnt it the hard way, follows realization, THAT CAKE COULD NOT BE REPLACED, PERIOD.

But when all that's important, all that truly holds all of those feelings mentioned, that one body, tall and perfect by each and every inch, that carries entirely an extra heart, is gone....then what is life?

Time will never come back, it's only being wasted, moving faster and faster, and i'm moving with it, growing and changing constantly. And what is really, left to do, but curse myself and repeat myself that I am sorry, cause believe I am.

.It's already 1:40 PM? How'd this happen? It's Sunday and raining, and i am under blankets.

Summer might be my least favorite season for the most discomfort, but for days I've been looking forward to it. Not spring, cause sometimes that's just not enough warmth but cold treats, swims, hikes, less clothes and staying out for as long as you want cause the cold is too far gone to turn around.

I'll hate it once it's here i know it.

Skele tons

So many teenie bits of questions gathered up in one corner of a brain cell that will never be reached, that will never be answered. As much as i tried to hold back from saying... because i don't wanna sound like a big baby but first 9-5 tomorrow... pretttay nervous...=/ followed up by one of the pre-grad classes... I guess i am an adult!

Big monster lover

"Can't you see that we're going to hell? "

What an awful head ache...

An empty house means so much more than just the physical absence of the norm, it's some sort of mental absence as well, to come home to no one at all, it's driving me out of my mind.

I baked some, ate some, threw the rest out =/

Can't wait to live with multiple friends.

Happy new year? I hope so. I can hardly think/write with this little baby monster beating on my head from the inside out.

Moon Pix over and over, and over. I start my new hours next week, i start school in two. I've waited for this break for so long but it's being wasted away completely. No places to go, no people to see. The only few are either away or busy. Being a grown up sucks sometimes. 

Tuesday, Wednesday night, thursday, rewind, pause. Repeat.

Unpack,

Settle in

We had a Huanukka dinner party before the show, which we originally planned on cooking ourselves and making it as jewish as possible...that is until i came across a burrito flyer with a cartoon wolf on it, and on the back it said "WE DELIVER" come on now...

No rules christmas!

So since my family is crazy and we celebrate (but not really celebrate), more like acknowledge, (perhaps an excuse for a big dinner and present exchange, and toasts) both jewish and christian holidays, and where we are from, we don't put presents under the tree and open them on christmas morning, we give presents on new years... but since we are in America now we combine both and just exchange presents on Christmas eve, which happens to be today!

ANDDD yeah, i got the suitcase as well, and yeah those are awesome large bumble bees, it rules!

Can't wait to get a few more in the mail soon!

I, myself still have a few more to give out to my sweetest biddies, come get your presents and some lovins mamas!

Spending Christmas day in Baltimore come on morning hurry up!

To the lovely dancing lights, I begged, "May I cut in?"

Woke up by 7am to an un-get-outable driveway and to a phone call from Russia saying my great gramma died =/ 

What else ya got for me winter?! might as well shoot it at me now than later

FREE BIRD!

Last day of class was thursday!

Insanely rushed couple of days, this is the first time breathing in a while.

A good way to start my first morning of freedom:

So promised to post pictures of my finals but i am too lazy to upload the 100% final prints right now so here are the 99% pre finalized:

Note: all typography is 100% hand done.

In the finalized version the text boxes are shaped as coffee mugs and beans.

I usually really anticipate the winter and especially the snow, but this year it seems like every time i plan on driving (which i barely do at all nowadays except for to work and back), it snows, A LOT. Does the snow hate me or do i hate it? I mean come on... Please be gone by afternoon- evening time tomorrow.

Tummy demon

Stop paying me random visits, you are not welcome

Stop tricking me and making me think you are gone when you aren't,

Please, please, just leave me and my little weak tummy alone, 

I know that it is you little baby pink pill, you better cut it out.

(That's my poem i wrote dedicated to the awful tummy demon)

Got some more online shopping done while in bed tonight, time is running out and i really need to catch up with this gift list deal.

Trying to brain stop some sort of a new crazy delicious cake... so tough when i'm a cake lover and the possibilities are so endless.

The greatest:

I promised to be a better picture taker next time.

Yay promotion!

Meet your new full time accessory visual!

Absolutely pointless

Since i post mostly for myself... just incase any of my friends happen to actually read this, i'd like a pair of these cuties for christmas....;]

(I'm a size 7)

Hey nonny na na na na

IT SNOWED OVER THE WEEKEND!!! There was a snow storm! And i didn't enjoy it as much as i thought i would but i did enjoy stepping on the crunchy snow that stuck to the ground.

D d d d d done & done!

I miss you today, Lilo (next to me) 

and the way you used to make me feel like i was hanging out with the actual Lilo, and the key chain you brought me back from Hawaii and put it in my locker and when i went to go open it you snuck behind me to see my reaction and i gave you the biggest hug. 

It's people like that that only play such a small role in your life that you never think it'd make a difference if they leave, but it does. Work isn't the same without you, really =/

In your heart of chambers

Is it summer today? I don't like summer that much.

Has the world invented a toothbrush for the mind yet? Mine would like to be brushed clean today. Where is my family every morning? How come i've been waking up in a completely empty house with no notes or messages left for me to read. All the food i bought for myself cause no one else buys food in this house anymore is gone, thanks for leaving me two slices of my own bread, which were wasted on the most un-delicious breakfast sandwich. There's no juice in either fridge.

Going in slightly early today, registration for my last three months in a private institute. What's next? who knows? I'd love to leave this state and go on somewhere else. Offerings for that matter:0 =/

Anyway,  it's 63 degrees out in central NJ today! going to ride my bike to the bus stop instead of driving, going to wear a sweater with no jacket! Going to wear shoes with no socks, AND taking a bottle of refrigerated water instead of a coffee full thermos.

Two days til Baltimore again, hurry hurry.

All i want to know is that i'm on the bright side, that i can turn that frown upside down, at least sometimes, most of the time, cause that's all i want to be, and what i want to be able to do.

Almost forgot Justine's gift AGAIN, woopz ;]

Filled with the sun

There is no better place to wake up on the first day of December than the place where I woke up this morning. Fantastic Mr. Fox truly was nothing but quite fantastic.Seeing it with my favorites of humans only made it this much better. 

(Who would have thought AMC Loew's would have the most humongous awesome bathroom?)

3 weeks left of school, by now i can't stand the smell of coffee any longer, it's coming out quite alright, will make sure to post the final outcome.

After weeks upon weeks of wanting overloads of breakfast food in my tummy, Zach and I finally went to ihop, where we ordered way more than enough and ate til' we couldn't anymore.

 And yes, all those plates were for the two of us. And no, we didn't eat all 100% of it. But i'd say we did a good job of about 97.5%.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnddd we built a wonderful fort.

<3

"

I'm scrambling 'round the floor

Looking for some fresh metaphor

All the words to describe this just do not exist

I feel better than ever before"

Slushy

Black friday at work was the worst work day in history i believe,  so afterwards, still exhausted and unshowered, Becky drove over for some PB & chocolate cereal crunchin and The Life Aquatic.

I liked thanksgiving this year. We didn't go to my aunts this year cause she didn't invite us so my parents invited over some freaky friends whom i have never met before and it just wasn't anything family like. We aren't even American...

So this year i celebrated it with Silvana (two euros with freaky euro parents, figures huh?) , and i could say it was the One years win out of five so far.

We made some vegan gnocchi's with spinach and vegan pumpkin cheesecake that was DELICIOUS! 

then we snuggled up on her comfy couch to watch a movie with bunny cuteness =]

100% ready to get done with this work weekend and feel some weakness in my knees for a few days, packing clothes and all the chocolate i got for Zach and myself into my bag and melting into my new fantastic flannel sheets which were so hard to leave this morning.