Wednesday, April 21, 2010

So a friend of mine sent me a link to a recorded radio show about "breaking up" i didn't save it cause i don't think i ever want to hear it again. “That’s the crazy thing about it is breaking with someone is literally the most common thing, every one you know broke up with everyone they ever dated, until maybe the person they are with right now. but when it happens to you it feels so specific. I don’t wanna say I can’t get over it but in a flipping way it’s like I can’t get over it, it’s like “what this is what’s happening” it’s so shocking”
Where are these girls and why can't i be best friends with them ? And one of the girls mentioned not wanting to move on because she doesn't want to let go of those insane feelings she's never felt before, even though they hold her back from being happy. What the fuck is going on and when will it stop?

Sunday, April 18, 2010

"I’ve never met anyone like you. I’m just so fucked up. I don’t have a real job. And I’ve never had a boyfriend , never been in love, and it’s just a lot. It’s too much”
There are so many things I could have/ should have done differently, but I was a baby and didn't. I was a baby in many ways and have come such a long way to be where I am now.
Wrapping myself in a thick layer of ice once again, i'm gonna need a really, really good reason to let anyone in again.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

I will miss your heart so tender, and I will love this love forever.

What does it mean to exist? To use up all goodness in the world, to discover and eventually, declare, ones purpose and stay here. But in order to do all that, one must feed off motivation, inspiration, the feeling of wanting to keep moving forward each and every day, but what if it isn't about moving forward all of a sudden? What if there is some sort of obstacle, or human flesh and bone, in the way of this generic worldly routine, that you can't help but yield for? I'm sorry great power above me to have to break this cycle of yours. But some things are hard to leave behind. And I don't believe they should be, if both ends meet, why should they separate? Why should it be given up on? Maybe i've been having child-like thoughts and hopes for too many years, or maybe I just refuse to give in and give up. NO, I will not just give it up so easily over a stupid mistake of mine, this is something for stay, can't you see? What if it's about the want and need to go back and fix things, getting closer each time, until there is no more room for mistakes, or should i say, THERE WILL BE NO MISTAKES MADE, PERIOD.
Because we have ALL made some of those, and sometimes it takes more than once to really learn it the hard way, whether they were little mistakes, or mistakes that affect your life forever. Mistakes ARE made to be learned from, and yeah, they might, and probably will cause self- loathing, but that's the price of being at fault.
And it's feelings like this, looking out the window where there are endless possibilities to the possible amount of water falling down from space. What is space? I haven't thought of that one in a long time. And I remember when I was younger, and I'd go to the near by pool and I can't remember how big the pool was but i'd tie my hair up, take a deep breathe, and dive across the pool, from one side to the other, without going up once. And sometimes i'd go under and close my eyes and imagine all the things impossible, because I was under water, and I was holding my breathe, and what rules exist then? And I specifically remember once on vacation, the pools had clear windows at the bottom, and i'd go under and talk to the creatures behind the glass, and i'd come back up and be in this world, once again.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

I don't blame you

I often wonder what the other world is like, does it exist? of course it does.
Whether it's a place where the ghost of one travels through brain cells to find serenity, and at last, rest in peace, or an earth like top cloud, but less real, or as some might believe, more real, not earthly at all, all the good on earth doesn't seem to last, and the only things one is left with are feelings, and some things last a long time.
But what's for one to do when the cake is eaten? It could never be replaced again.
It cannot be brought back in time to rethink harder upon decisions to be made, it cannot be re-created from scratch, it cannot be fixed.
And it's only normal to think of the quickest way to try to go back - throw it up, but it won't be the same, ever. And it's no one's fault but mine. And after having learnt it the hard way, follows realization, THAT CAKE COULD NOT BE REPLACED, PERIOD.
But when all that's important, all that truly holds all of those feelings mentioned, that one body, tall and perfect by each and every inch, that carries entirely an extra heart, is gone....then what is life?
Time will never come back, it's only being wasted, moving faster and faster, and i'm moving with it, growing and changing constantly. And what is really, left to do, but curse myself and repeat myself that I am sorry, cause believe I am.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

.It's already 1:40 PM? How'd this happen? It's Sunday and raining, and i am under blankets.
Summer might be my least favorite season for the most discomfort, but for days I've been looking forward to it. Not spring, cause sometimes that's just not enough warmth but cold treats, swims, hikes, less clothes and staying out for as long as you want cause the cold is too far gone to turn around.
I'll hate it once it's here i know it.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Skele tons

So many teenie bits of questions gathered up in one corner of a brain cell that will never be reached, that will never be answered. As much as i tried to hold back from saying... because i don't wanna sound like a big baby but first 9-5 tomorrow... pretttay nervous...=/ followed up by one of the pre-grad classes... I guess i am an adult!